Reader Question Summary:
She is married, and at one point had a great relationship with her mother and sister-in-law. However for whatever reason they have determined that they no longer support the marriage and even wanted him to leave her. She reached out to them and tried to mend the fences but got no reply, instead they began to rebuild the relationship with her husband behind her back. When she found out she is obviously hurt. She wants to know how she can “attract” them to her, and how to fix this situation.
~Female 30, England UK
Thank you for your letter and your story. I can really relate to your situation. When I was married I was actually in the same position with my in-laws. I had been with my ex-husband since high school and was
always good to him and his family, but one day for whatever reason they all turned on me.
It’s a very hard place to be in and I sympathize with your situation. My only advise would be, “kill them with kindness”. Just make the conscious decision in your mind that there is NOTHING that they or your husband can do to make you hate them back. That regardless of what they throw your way you will take it with grace and return their despicable behavior with kind indifference. What I mean by that is, I wouldn’t go out of your way for them. I would try to act as though it doesn’t bother you anymore like you have moved on and come to peace with it.
You did the right thing by reaching out to them, your letter was perfect. The ball is in their court now, you can sleep at night knowing you are the bigger person. You acted maturely and gracefully, now it’s up to them. And if they don’t come around, which they may not right away, or it may take a long time for them to, that’s OK because it’s no longer up to you.
The only way to “attract them to you” is through love. I understand how much it must hurt that your husband went behind your back to restart his relationship with them, but try to see it from his perspective. He didn’t want to hurt you. He knows that the two parties don’t get a long and that it would probably bring more pain to you, so he likely felt it would be better to go behind you back. I’m not saying this is right, I’m just saying he is in a very difficult position.
The only thing you can do, is fully support his relationship with them, encourage it. Make sure he doesn’t feel guilty about it. You cant change them, but you can remove the negative energy from your half of the equation. Even if you don’t think you feel negative about it, it’s coming across that way. He feels like he is forced to choose sides, so he took what he probably thought was the easy way out, having a relationship with both of you but hiding it.
So just take that stress away. Bite the bullet. Turn your disappointment and pain around to feeding their new relationship positively. Believe me his mom and sister will watch this. If they see that you TRULY and GENUINELY are encouraging that relationship without reservation, they will eventually come around. You will draw them to you. It just might take a long time.
People react to other peoples INTENTIONS not their words or even actions. People can sense and read the intentions of others. So if you genuinely forgive all of them for going behind your back, and support their reconnection with love, they will begin to see it. They will see that you are being the better person.
Have faith. Anything is possible, if you really believe it and start to live it 🙂
Best of luck to you all !
Written by: Sarah Centrella