One of Those Days

I’m not perfect by a MILLION miles. I’m flawed to the core. Like, no joke! But I mean well. I have a good heart and I try harder than anyone I know has tried for me. I fight hard. But it doesn’t mean that every day is a perfect day.

Tonight I looked around the table and I saw happiness and love. I saw mates and matches. I saw two people who look both figuratively and literally like they have been cut from the same cloth. I think to myself what a beautiful thing that is. I think of the stories I could tell when I had my “cut from the same cloth half”. But those stories are not relevant anymore, or even comical. They are irrelevant. I sit solo.

engagement dinner

I feel naked without my kidos round me they shelter me from these awkward moments.  I realize that I fall apart when they are not with me. Caring for someone else is what I know it’s what is natural and normal for me, and when that’s gone I’m naked (and not in a good way!).

I leave the party with hugs, love and smiles. Get into my car, crank Adele and cry. Idk why. Really, I don’t (other than I’m PMS-ing). But the tears fall in my lap as I drive. I think of all the love and good will I try to put out there, why does the night end with him there and me here? Me sitting at a table with everyone cut from linen, while I’m cut from wool? When can I be linen too?

I drive home. At my exit I take a left and not a right. I make another left and park my car. I turn up Adele. I look at the parking lot full of cars, and I think the same thing I thought a month ago; “You fair weather friends. It’s Saturday night, where were you on Tuesday when my car was the only one here???” But I turn off the engine and close my eyes. Tears run down my cheeks. I look up through puffy eyelids and see the motel room where I stayed with my three babies, for three weeks when we didn’t have a home. I breathe, compose myself. Breathe some more. Realize that though I didn’t mean to end up here, here is always where I should be on nights like this.

Nights when loneliness seems like it rapes around your soul. Here is where I should come to remind myself that nothing is as bad as living in this place. I will be okay. I am okay. Good times and bad. I will be fine. Someone said the bad days are placed in our lives to make us always remember who we are and where we came from. I can see that.

Tomorrow’s a new day.


 

Sarah Centrella is the author of the book Hustle Believe Receive which teaches you how to apply the #HBRMethod to change your life and live your dream.

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3 Comments

  • CRYSTAL DAVIS
    August 1, 2011 - 7:20 am | Permalink

    push those bad thoughts and feelings aside and make tomorrow a good day..wake up and tell yourself its going to be a good day. take a walk and breath in the fresh air and look into the simple things. there is someone out there that is ment just for u. in time they will show up when u are really ready. remember even if u feel lonely u aren’t lonely u have many friends to help u out as u have done for us. wipe those tears hold ur head up and give yourself a pat on the back and smile. (BIG HUG)

  • August 1, 2011 - 7:22 pm | Permalink

    Let those feelings flow through you b/c that’s all they are. You are never alone when you realize you are a part of the Universe and the Universe is inside you and with you giving its love. Or go have a martini. ;D xxx

  • August 11, 2011 - 5:08 am | Permalink

    Perhaps you’re cut from cotton.

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