Things you should NEVER do in hot yoga.
- Get a spray-tan two/three hours before. As evident by the orange outline on my white towel. Oh, and also the rivers of Ump-Lumpa sweat running off my body.
- Use a “sweat” face-wiping-towel that sat in the washer for a week before being dried. Nothing like wiping your dripping face feeling like you need to puke, with something that smells like you just did.
- Fart. 110 Degree heat, cramped sweaty quarters. Enough said.
- Talk. You will be mentally stoned to death by everyone who’s pretending to be there for the meditation and not the tight ass.
- Lay down, facing the wrong direction. You’ll fuck up everyone’s chi. Not a good look.
- Leave the room! If you do, you might as well never come back. Just put a bag over your head and run for the parking lot. No one will look you in the eye again. Quitters are so weak.
- Ask to have the heat lowered or the fans turned on. (reread #6, same rules apply).
- Be late. Don’t bother walking in if the instructor is in the room, no one does that!
Now go to Hot Yoga and get a firm ass, a clean mind and feel AMAZING like I do after every class!