Perhaps because I spent the last few months writing our story for my book, not just the bad, but all the good too. The good which I’ve tried for four years to forget existed. But it was there, for years on end, and so was our love. We were together for sixteen years, since we were both sixteen. Half of our lives. We are such different people now that it’s hard to remember who we used to be, but in looking through our old albums and remembering our story, I realized that someplace deep down I never really thought it was gone forever. Don’t get me wrong I have no desire at all to be with him anymore, none! I consider their affair to be the biggest blessing in disguise of my life, but still I guess I was surprised to find myself, remembering like it was yesterday, the good times.
It’s hard to process that our wedding, in the end meant so little. We’d both looked forward to it for eight years, we were so happy. How does love do that? Just change when your not paying attention? How do you find yourself in a different life, than you’d set out to live? How do you wake up alone when you thought you’d had that covered, till forever?
The one thing I’ve noticed with these emotions the past few days, and some other major events that have occurred the past week, is that I don’t seem to be the one that anyone fights for. I looked back over my relationships since our split, and realized that I’ve been the one fighting when no one was fighting for me. Maybe that’s because our marriage ended in an instant, and perhaps it made me fight harder for other relationships, even when they didn’t deserve it.
The obvious difficult truth is that I’m the common denominator and that’s a bitter pill to swallow. But without truth there is no growth. And the past few years I’ve spent my time diligently, aggressively and with intent; growing. I’ve looked inward and changed not only my outward life but who I am as a person. Changes that I believe have made me a better woman, more forgiving, kind and understanding. I’m proud of who I’m daily becoming, and doing so with intent. So whatever the reason that I find people leaving my life, I know now that I’m not going to keep fighting for anyone who wouldn’t do the same for me. It’s wasted energy. I know now that I’m giving it my best effort and if that is not enough then those are not people well suited to be part of my life.
I will chose instead to put that energy into me, into becoming a woman that I could and do love. Into my children, teaching them how to become people that others would want and need to have in their life. I’ll fight for myself, and my kids… maybe it’s cynical, but it’s the reality. Happiness is fleeting if we allow it to be, joy will pass us by. I don’t want that. I want what’s good and healthy for me, and if people walk away, no matter who they are, I’m going to let them. Because in the end, who wants people in your life who don’t really want to be there?
Sometimes reality bites.