Monthly Archives: July 2013

Dating

Get Out Of My Way.

Get out of my way.

I’ve been compared to a bull in a china shop, more than once. This is not something I say with pride. It’s something I say realizing that some how some way, I need to tame that bull. I’ve also been told on occasion that I get in my own way, and block my own happiness. These are not fun things to hear about yourself, especially when you’re working diligently to daily become a better person and curb the parts of yourself that you don’t really like.

bull in a china shop
Yeah… I’m the Bull in a china shop.

I’m a tough bitch. In a way I think I’ve had to be that to survive all I’ve been through in my 38 years on this planet. When the going gets tough the tough get going, right? So I’ve plowed through tough situation after tough situation and each time I add a layer of raw hide to my skin.  Until it’s thick enough to repel even the ones I want to attract. It’s not intentional. It’s the opposite of that in fact. I try to stay open and unguarded but the truth is that when I feel threatened or like someone is about to hurt me, I jump from the building before they have the chance to push me.  And what I’m learning is that not everyone was trying to push me off the building. Maybe they were just trying to get close to me. It’s hard to tell the difference when you’re so used to protecting yourself.  So used to not needing anyone.

The truth is I, like everyone else on the planet do need the people in my life who are there to get close to me. And I need to get better at learning to tell the difference between the pushers and the supporters. It’s a hard line for me to walk. Because, especially with men, I feel like if I let them support me in any way, that makes me weak.  I can kinda see how that’s a messed up philosophy. I don’t want to lean on a man emotionally because I don’t want to miss him when he’s gone.  And someplace deep inside me says he will eventually leave, and so I push him until he does. I’d never even consider leaning on a man to support me financially, to me that would be the ultimate disgrace. And sure I can see that has some fucked up logic as well.

My old boss once told me “Sarah just because you believe in something, and are passionate about it, doesn’t mean you have to be a bull in a china shop and mow everyone else down”.  I was of course offended at first, but a week later I put up a picture of a bull destroying a china shop on my office wall to remind me to be diplomatic and not an asshole.

I can still be an asshole. I can still say, like I did to a man I care deeply for… peace out, for no apparent reason. I still have the flight instinct stronger than the one that should stay and fight for what I want. But at least now I can see it.  At least now I am open to try to fix it. I may never get this whole thing down right. I may be destined to be alone, but I’m gonna always try to listen to those around me who can call me on my shit, and help correct me when I’ve let my thick hide take over and block my happiness.

Sarah… get out of my way. 

bull in a china shop HBR
So gonna get to this place one day…

 

Sarah Centrella is the author of the book Hustle Believe Receive which teaches you how to apply the #HBRMethod to change your life and live your dream.

My Stories

I Want More.

I want more.

Have you ever felt, well… unsatisfied? Not unhappy. Not depressed. Not stressed. Just restless and an underlying feeling that there has got to be more to life than this? I guess I just want more.  I want it all.

I’m not complaining, I’m so happy to be out of Seattle and back where life is easier.  I’m so grateful for that, trust me. And the sun has shone hot every single day since moving back to Portland. But still there is this nagging feeling that I can’t shake, that I’ve disappointed myself.  It feels like I’ve taken two steps backward rather than forward.  Maybe because going back home always feels that way to some degree, regardless of why.  But I can’t shake the feeling that I failed in some way. Even though I always knew Seattle was not a move I wanted to make, but one I had to at the time, I’d still left. I’d gone somewhere and did something unexpected, difficult and I’d succeeded at it.


Coming back, just makes me feel like I failed somehow.  Like my real goal was to get all the way gone, and instead my wings were clipped and I took the easy option once again.  To make matters worse my bestie is moving to Washington DC, and my life long bestie is moving to NYC. The two cities I’ve always dreamed of living in, and here I am. Stuck in the North West.

Sometimes I wish life was less complicated.  That I could have the freedom to follow my true hearts desire.  Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to endlessly sacrifice and could just begin living the life I feel I’ve spent all of mine preparing for.  Sometimes I wish all the work I’ve put into my passion, writing/speaking/documentary/books would just pay off already.  That it would go somewhere, turn into something.

Being a single mom with three kids, nothing is ever easy, or simple. It will always take extra courage, faith and preparation.  But nothing is impossible right?

 

Sarah Centrella is the author of the book Hustle Believe Receive which teaches you how to apply the #HBRMethod to change your life and live your dream.

Motivation & Inspiration My Stories

I’m Baaaaack!!!

I’m back!

Last week the kids and I moved back to our original home Portland Oregon. Damn it feels good to be

ahhhhh

home after 18 very difficult months in Seattle.  It’s amazing what having friends and family around can do to uplift your spirits and make you feel at home.

Living in Seattle was the most isolating, depressing and difficult time of my life. It had it’s benefits, I was able to write my book and focus on my passion, and was able to be successful in my career (day job), but other then that it was, hell.

Since coming back last week, the kids have had play dates every day, we’ve had friends and family over and the sun has been shining in full force.  It’s just more proof for me that when you set a goal, work your ass of to achieve it and let nothing stand in your way, that anything is possible. From the start of moving to Seattle, I gave myself a two year max, with that goal in mind I worked hard at my job to gain success and financial stability so that within the time I’d set I could move back home.  I did it in 18 months.  Set a goal, believe you will accomplish it, and then work your ass off to get there, you WILL get there.

Never quit. Happiness is waiting.

The new pad..
Kids hiking this weekend near our house
sarah centrella twins
Shopping at our favorite farmers market

 

sarah centrella kids
kids finally get to have some play dates!

Follow me on Instagram or Twitter to see all the pics of our life 🙂  (both @sarahcentrella

Sarah Centrella is the author of the book Hustle Believe Receive which teaches you how to apply the #HBRMethod to change your life and live your dream.

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