Get out of my way.
I’ve been compared to a bull in a china shop, more than once. This is not something I say with pride. It’s something I say realizing that some how some way, I need to tame that bull. I’ve also been told on occasion that I get in my own way, and block my own happiness. These are not fun things to hear about yourself, especially when you’re working diligently to daily become a better person and curb the parts of yourself that you don’t really like.
|Yeah… I’m the Bull in a china shop.|
I’m a tough bitch. In a way I think I’ve had to be that to survive all I’ve been through in my 38 years on this planet. When the going gets tough the tough get going, right? So I’ve plowed through tough situation after tough situation and each time I add a layer of raw hide to my skin. Until it’s thick enough to repel even the ones I want to attract. It’s not intentional. It’s the opposite of that in fact. I try to stay open and unguarded but the truth is that when I feel threatened or like someone is about to hurt me, I jump from the building before they have the chance to push me. And what I’m learning is that not everyone was trying to push me off the building. Maybe they were just trying to get close to me. It’s hard to tell the difference when you’re so used to protecting yourself. So used to not needing anyone.
The truth is I, like everyone else on the planet do need the people in my life who are there to get close to me. And I need to get better at learning to tell the difference between the pushers and the supporters. It’s a hard line for me to walk. Because, especially with men, I feel like if I let them support me in any way, that makes me weak. I can kinda see how that’s a messed up philosophy. I don’t want to lean on a man emotionally because I don’t want to miss him when he’s gone. And someplace deep inside me says he will eventually leave, and so I push him until he does. I’d never even consider leaning on a man to support me financially, to me that would be the ultimate disgrace. And sure I can see that has some fucked up logic as well.
My old boss once told me “Sarah just because you believe in something, and are passionate about it, doesn’t mean you have to be a bull in a china shop and mow everyone else down”. I was of course offended at first, but a week later I put up a picture of a bull destroying a china shop on my office wall to remind me to be diplomatic and not an asshole.
I can still be an asshole. I can still say, like I did to a man I care deeply for… peace out, for no apparent reason. I still have the flight instinct stronger than the one that should stay and fight for what I want. But at least now I can see it. At least now I am open to try to fix it. I may never get this whole thing down right. I may be destined to be alone, but I’m gonna always try to listen to those around me who can call me on my shit, and help correct me when I’ve let my thick hide take over and block my happiness.
Sarah… get out of my way.
|So gonna get to this place one day…|