|Snorkeling in Maui with my son|
Have you ever felt like you were on the brink of something? Like the brink of falling in love…those butterflies, that hope. The feeling that the world is yours all you need to do is roll outa bed, open the door to discover the rainbow has landed on your welcome mat.
I have felt like that for the past two years. Through the struggles, (and lord knows there have been MANY), and the highs, I haven’t been able to shake the feeling that I’m working towards one day opening the door to my rainbow.
Like, it’s crazy but I just know. I trust the struggle at this point. I have unwavering faith that the plan for my life at 36, is just now starting to come together. It’s such a great feeling! Honestly. It’s one that you are feeling now too, if not yet you will.Because it spreads.
It’s infectious, like the Macarena at a 90’s dance club.
And it’s comin’ for you.
It’s the possibility that there are actually possibilities.
That feeling the past few months has been acute. Everyday something happens where I see the colors in the sky starting to form, where my heart skips a beat. It’s knowing for the FIRST time in my life that I have found my place, I’ve found my calling. There is some sorta crazy peace and unstoppable joy that comes when you are doing what you love to do. It’s a level of completeness that I don’t think I’ve ever known.
It’s hard to put into words, how freaking stressed out I was prior to 3 years ago (even prior to a year ago). It eat at me always. Financial issues in particular. When I was married it seemed there was nothing my ex and I could do to get ahead. We were always broke. Not in the “I’m broke I can’t go to Aruba” since, but in the “return cans for deposit so we can buy gas” sense! The retarded part of it was to look at us, we seemed like we were doing pretty well. Drove a nice car, had nice things, lived in a nice house, had good jobs all of that. But what no one knew is we were NOT making it. And anyone who’s ever struggled with financial issues knows it is the start, or root to the rest of your life headed down the crapper. It was one bad thing coming our way after another. A never-ending supply of 90 mph curve balls, some we ducked but most hit us in the face. The stress eat me alive, night and day.
|Kanen and I at the White House|
I remember one night laying in bed several years ago, and thinking…actually thinking…it was more then I could take. To be in a hole that black for that long, joy simply can’t survive. Laughter dies. Smiles fade. Weight finds your ass (and the rest of your body).
“Hope, I just need a ray of that” as Eminem would say. But I didn’t even have the energy for hope. That was way more work than I was interested in. I didn’t know what the word meant, or how to begin.
I can’t tell you how many times our cupboards ran bare. Our utilities were turned off. Our phones disconnected. Our cars boomeranged. I was always learning how to creatively survive, for most of my entire life. It was a cycle I’d come to expect was normal, and the best I could hope for.
This was reality and sucking wind was what I was accustomed to.
Since being on my own I have still had many of those struggles. Especially early on trying to get back on my feet. It’s been very difficult and times are always tight. But as I reflect back on my reality then vs now…the difference is as clear as night and day.
I learned how to be grateful for what I had. I stopped wanting what I couldn’t afford, and started living in the moment and showing gratitude for the littlest things. My motto became “If you’re not grateful for what you’ve got, you wont get more to be grateful for”. All the homes we once owned, the new cars we used to drive, I don’t think I was EVER grateful for those, I was too stressed trying to figure out how I’d make the payments! But when I lost it all and moved into that tiny shitty 750 sq ft 2 bedroom apartment, I was sooooo grateful. I was so happy to have it. Have a place I could afford and be able to have my babies with me, nothing else mattered. My pride had died a log time ago, so who cared?
That’s when my life began to change.
I think of all the things that have shown up in my life the past 2 years. Things I could NEVER afford, most of them there is no price tag for those experiences regardless. Yet they have come to me, and when they do, I allow myself to be ridiculously excited and cherish the moment.
|On ESPN sitting court side for UCLA game|
Where once my cupboards were bare, now I’ve learned how to Super Coupon and have a store in my basement that enables to share, and bless my friends and family. I’m teaching other single mom’s how to do the same so they can better provide for their families.
Where once I wasn’t able to even entertain the idea of a vacation, now I’ve taken two major ones with almost no out-of-pocket expense. Last year I took my son to Maui Hawaii on air miles I had earned from work, and stayed at little local B&B’s for $40 a night, we had an amazing time and did it on basically zero budget.
This trip is The Law of Attraction at it’s best:
|On the Field at Ravens Stadium|
- I have NEVER seen a free airline flight for 25,000 miles. I’ve checked many times believe me, and to fly 50 feet it’s more then 25,000 miles! I had 51,000 miles saved up. When I started looking for flights I actually found 2 seats from Oregon to Baltimore (cross-country, round-trip) for 25,000 miles each! (I promise you I have NEVER seen a flight for that low of miles before), I booked them at a total cost of $70.
- About 5 months ago I met and became great friends with a former player for the Ravens who generously offered that if we ever went to Baltimore he would be happy to provide the game day hook-up…zero dollars (mind you we had put the pic on our board over 6 months before I met him).
- In the past 2 years I have planned countless trips to DC with work for various work events, and for whatever reason they have always fallen through at the last minute. I’ve wanted to go there for at least 15 years, and have had a picture of the White House on my board for well over a year… We will be spending all day Saturday in Washington DC, and snappin pics of us in front of the White House!
This is a great example of living a life where ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. It’s not up to me, or you to determine what is or is not possible in our lives. It’s up to us to have a dream. A vision of what we want to experience and accomplish in life, and start moving in that direction. The magic comes on it’s own…it finds you like the tooth fairy; you wake up in the morning after a loss to find the treasure.
Stop building a box to live in.
Take down the walls and walk out your front door…
The rainbow has been waiting.
“You and I know what it’s like to be kicked down, forced to fight. But tonight we’re alright, so hold up your light let it shine, shine shine. This one is for you and me, living out our dream. We are right were we should be. With my arms held high, I open my eyes and now all I wanna see, is a sky full of lighters.”
-Lighters, Eminem (click to listen, it’s amazing!)