“You train people how to treat you”. I heard these words tonight watching a show on OWN (Iyanla: Fix My Life with Evelyn Lozada) and they gave me instant chills. I’ve heard variations of them before and know how true a statement like that is. Yet still I find myself repeating the same patterns in relationship after relationship (friends, family, co-workers, whomever). And every time they go sideways just like the one before I dissect the pattern, and it’s always there. And every time I blame myself, and wonder why I can’t fix it. Why I can’t make whoever it is see the real me, see my heart, appreciate the good I do, love me. Chose me.
I hate myself a little more every time. And find it harder and harder to pick up what’s left of my disappointed, battered self and go back out and do it all again. Because someplace deep inside I must not really believe that statement. The one that says I can expect better. I can demand better. I can train better. If I really believed that statement then that would mean I could control and change the outcome which my “logical” self knows is true, but which my soul doesn’t believe is worthy.
The failure that comes with every time this pattern finds it’s way into my life is overwhelming. Its the one thing I never “win” at. It’s like being caught in ground-hog day, where over and over I put myself out there, and in the end they always chose someone else, and turn on me. Every time. And then it hit me…. so much of our present is based on our past, Iyanla said. And in writing my memoir recently I could finally see where those patterns come from. And knowing that is earth shattering for me and feels even more “un-fixable” but also like there’s now an official starting point. The one I’ve spent a lifetime running from.
One thing is clear, it’s time to stop running. Time to put a stop to this cycle of self destructive patterns, time to find a new message to send out into the universe. Time to expect, and then get more.