Monthly Archives: January 2010

Motivation & Inspiration My Stories

32,000 Feet…

I’m not the world’s most relaxed flier. That might in fact be a bit of an understatement come to think of it. But today I’m happy. The kind of happy when you want to pinch yourself to be sure your actually awake and not just extremely sleep deprived, hence hallucinating.

On my lap, perched comfortably is my laptop, keys banging away, as I’m answering email, Facebooking, blogging, updating Salesforce. My ears are numb and my heals tap unknowingly to a little lyrical Prozac (aka hip-hop). In my hand a tasty Bloody Mary (yes it’s technically 7am, don’t judge me!! Besides I’ve already had two quad lattes!). I glance up from work to check out the view…37,000 feet up. Calmly floating over snow capped mountains, small rural snow covered towns, mid-sized cities…all in route to my favorite US destination New York City, baby!

I love my life.

Did I mention this is a rather new sensation for me? Happiness. Contentment. Accomplishment. Non-self loathing. It’s all brand new to me. I’m not used to being happy, I mean really happy. It seems like the majority of my life has been spent pretending to be happy, and aside from the precious moments I spend with my children (which is the purest form of joy and happiness), true happiness has not been my BFF. Hard-chip on the other hand, I can totally dig.

But I’m learning to let go of the drama that keeps such joy at bay, and embrace the moments in life when you need to pinch yourself. I have dreamed of this very point in my life, ALL MY LIFE. I have always visualized what it would be like to be satisfied and driven at work, be able to “handle my business” take care of my children, in a way they deserve.

I’m not there, not by a long shot. But I WILL BE. I have worked so hard, to get to this point and I never want to forget how long and hard the journey has been. I want to always feel like a kid in a candy store, I always want to lead with gratitude, and not take any aspect of my life for granted. I want to be an example for my children to know that anything is possible, and with hard work, dedication and most of all belief, anything can be achieved.

When my life first evaporated before my eyes a year and a half ago, I decided I would make the best of this chance at rebirth. I spent an afternoon and collected a colleague of photos to represent various life goals. Trips I’d like to take, the car I’d like to someday drive, the bag I’d like to treat myself with when I land the big promotion. All these images I carefully clipped and put on my wall at work. They were my inspiration of the life I envisioned one day having, to remind me to stay focused and driven.

There is a picture of Disneyland and next to it a photo of Kanen and I, someday I want to go just him and I, and play all day. There’s a photo of a real home, one like the one I hope to be able to move my family into. In the center is a photo of Time Square in NYC, and under it I wrote “NYC Baby!!!” next to that is one of Hollywood. (Reminder, when I first cut out these photos I was on state assistance with no income and no job, these photos felt like the ultimate in ridiculousness and absurdity).

But when I got my first job they went up on the wall in my little cube. When I moved offices and got the new job they went back up. This week I put them up yet again in my new office, as I stepped back to check my view, I almost fell over, realizing that the two photos in the center had just become a reality. I had just come back from a business trip to LA and was preparing to head to NYC. It literally blew me away. I had never connected the dots before that moment, even though I look at those photos every-single day.

My oldest girlfriend and I have dreamed of a trip to NYC for the past 16 years, and every few years try to plan it but I’ve never been able to afford it. I suddenly realized that without thinking about it, she had booked a ticket to meet me in New York for the weekend, to keep me company on this rather long business trip. We were about to live a 16 year dream, and I won’t of spent a cent, to make it come true.

I sit back. Take a long breath in my seat. Stare out the window, breath again. Thank god for the blessings in my life. For giving me a second chance at life. For rewarding a lifetime of work and struggle, for watching over my little family and for this moment in time. I am eternally grateful.

Dream big people! You NEVER know when your dreams will come true. Don’t worry about how they will come true, just dream them! And one day you will be busy making plans and you will stop and notice that it all feels a little familiar…because you have envisioned and prepared for that moment for so long, and your time has finally come.

Time Square NYC

 

 

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Dating Divorce Relationships

Dating Sucks.

dating sucksI’m not even gonna bother lying here, it plain sucks ass. I’m so freaking glad I never had to do it before now. I managed to get to the ripe old age of 33 having never dated, having married my first love.

I never had to pound a drink just so I could find a good reason to bail on a bad first date.
Never had to wonder if I should wait an hour or five minutes before responding to a text.
Never had to leave without saying goodbye.
Never wondered who they were texting when they were right there with me.
Never had to assume the worst. Then be right.
Never had to laugh when it really wasn’t funny.

Never had to tell a stranger my life story. Over and over again.
Never had to pretend to be interested.
Never had to put myself out there, time and again, always for the same result.

I don’t know how to date. Let’s just be honest! This is not something 34 year old women should be learning how to do for the first time. This is the kinda crap you learn by age 18 or maybe your early 20’s. Ya know, get your heart broken a few times, start being jaded.

I think I finally see the point to being jaded, before I thought “no I’m bigger then that”. I was bound and determined to give everyone a fair start, “not bring the baggage”. But I see clearly now that being jaded is what protects us, it’s our defense mechanism, and it’s brilliant! Really and truly it’s getting harder and harder not to be, so I think in the interest of saving time and additional heartache, I’m gonna embrace it with open arms.

broken hearts, burning letters

Its 2010, I resolve to:
NOT ware my hart on my sleeve.
NOT show my hand.
NOT become attached.
NOT date.

It’s been a year and I’m completely exhausted! How do people do this the majority of their life? Who has the energy? I vote for my kids/me/myself/my career and I.’

 

Written by: Sarah Centrella

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