It being a new year and all, I’ve decided to make a promise to myself. A commitment of sorts. See I’m the type of person who doesn’t let a lot of people get close to me. But when I finally let someone new in (let’s be honest I’m really referring to someone I’m dating) I tend to hold on wayyyy to long. Maybe it’s because it’s taken me a while to let them in and I don’t want to start over with someone knew. Maybe because when they first show me their duchebag side, I give them one pass after the next, hoping that one day they will wake-up and realize I’ve been good and loyal to them all along (who would do that? Um hello crazy girl!). Yes I’ve been guilty of this, and though it’s not pretty to admit, it has been my pattern.
|Wise up girl.|
I’ve realized that I’ve been drawn to men who don’t know how to acknowledge when they are wrong or have disrespected me, and who seem to be incapable of a true sincere apology. I’ve now realized that those type of men are not the ideal match for me. I’ve decided that I deserve better than that (shocking I know). I am one to apologize quickly when I’ve been called out for being in the wrong, but that trait has crossed some blurred lines I’ve noticed lately. It’s overcompensated for the other person. This week two very clear examples occurred with two different individuals that shone the light bright on this issue for me. In both cases the other person did something for which I was extremely hurt and offended. One of those “clear as day” that it should have been on them to apologize and try to get me to move past it. However that didn’t happen (it never does) and sure enough a day or two goes by and who is doing the apologizing? Me. For something I didn’t do. For being offended in the first place, or god only knows what else, whatever necessary I suspect to get us “past it.” And then I wait for them to pout for a few more days, until it’s good again for a little while and then the dysfunctional cycle resumes.
So yeah… I’ve decided that it’s kinda bullshit. That maybe it doesn’t make me the “better person” to always be piping up and taking the blame for everything and that maybe I should hold them accountable for their actions and be willing to watch them walk out of my life if they are not willing to man up and do the right thing.
That statement is my promise to myself in 2014. This is going to be the year that when I recognize that behavior on someone new, for the FIRST time, I am going to wash my hands of them and run the other direction. I am going to proactively spare myself heartache and needless self-destruction. I am going to selfishly put my happiness first. I am going to expect more and refuse to settle. I am going to be perfectly happy alone, blissfully so in comparison to the negative energy these relationships have brought me year after year. I am going to stand up for myself and repeat the motto “one and done.” No more second, third, or three hundred chances. If you show me who you are, I am going to believe you, and take a pass if it’s not a match for me.
Here’s to finding happiness within and loving myself enough.
|Good girl… now keep your promise.|